"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." This quote motivates me every time I listen to it; even during my darkest times.
TW: Suicide
From: 15 August 2023, me
To: 5th March 2022, myself
Hey bro,
Let me preface this by saying that I won’t follow the CBSE letter format and I know you d̶e̶f̶i̶n̶i̶t̶e̶l̶y̶ w̶i̶l̶l̶ won’t mind that. So yes. How’s life and all that? Okay yeah, I’ll spare the small talk; we both know how bad we are at starting conversations. Let’s just go right in.
We both know what happened yesterday at midnight. I’m writing this letter to you because these are the things I wish I heard back then, know now and wish I’d known then. And let me tell you- It wasn’t, isn’t and never will be worth it. This is coming from yourself so you know that you can believe it. I’m glad we’re still here and didn't face many major consequences.
I remember you thinking “Life will never be the same anymore. I messed up too badly this time and it’s unfixable.” Our lives are still the same. We all pretend like it never happened. And that’s both good and bad actually. On one hand, I don’t want them to talk about it because it’s not easy to, but on the other I want them to ask me why it happened and see them put some effort into making sure it doesn't happen again.
Guess what- the cliche “it gets better” is actually true. Who would’ve thought? And we’re way more comfortable with our sexuality now. We came out on Instagram on New Year’s Eve and we mostly received supportive feedback, except for a few homophobes here and there. We lost our best friend because of it but whatever; we don't need such people in our lives anyway.
There are days when I can't sleep at night because I still get flashbacks of that day. But I would never erase that memory. It’s a reminder to not do it again, a motivation to keep going. You are a survivor; strong, brave and resilient, and I’m immensely proud of you. Every difficulty in life has a learning lesson and every single one you face makes you even more prepared for the ones ahead.
One important thing I learnt over the years is that you will never be able to get better until you make it your number 1 priority. I know that the phrase “over the years” makes me sound like I’m 50 or something but does age define your life experience? If you’re talking about experience in paying taxes and getting a driver’s license then yes. But for life problems? Not really. We’ve been insecure about being philosophical and sounding old, but does it make it a bad thing? I get to share our experiences with others so they’ll hopefully reconsider making the mistakes we did. And I’m doing it right now. I know that you’ll never be able to read this letter, but I hope it’ll give someone else hope the same way I wish someone had written a letter like this to me on that day.
Unfortunately, my word limit for this letter is over so I must go. I love you so much, I always will.
With lots of love,
Yourself